Thanks

 Once again, been a while. For my dear followers, if any, my plan is to write more on here. It'll be a lot like going back to the gym, or jogging around the block. Slow, embarrassing, and some fat rolls may poke out from under the tattered "work out shirt", but all in an effort to get in shape. I always respect people who look very out of shape, yet jog through the park or neighborhood. I'm always inclined to shout a word of encouragement, but don't want to come off as sarcastic or condescending. Maybe I should look past that fear.

The last time I was on here I ranted and raved about the, at the time, new Star Wars movie. Since then, there's been more movies and now a streaming TV series. However, I will not rant, rave or critique today. Today's objective is pursuing the thought of gratitude. We'll see how that goes. 

I may be very late in the game to be the first to say, "2020 has been a tumultuous year". Actually, I'm sick and tired of hearing about how it's been one bummer of a year. Yes, it has. There's no doubt. Like many others, I started this year never hearing the word "Coronavirus". Those were the days. Then it started picking up buzz, but it was one of those things that was far away. Then it came to the U.S., then to our fair state of Missouri. I went from never hearing "COVID-19" and "Coronavirus" to hearing them more in the past year than words like "The" in my entire life. And of course once it took up a comfortable residence in our vernacular, things really started to shake up. Lockdowns, work from home, furloughs, lay offs, to which I myself had to experience. Then phrases such as "Practice safe social distancing", "Unprecedented times", and "(Insert holiday/event) is going to look a little different this year" were uttered ad nauseum. For a time I saw very few people, and even now don't see my friends very often. Concerts and public fairs and festivals cancelled. Not to mention all the ill and dying from the outbreak. The political discord that sprang up. And that was just the pandemic. Let us not forget the fires in Australia, bombing in Beirut, injustice happening on American streets, riots, and of course, one of, if not THE, zaniest presidential elections in U.S. history. Yes, folks, what a year it has been.

With all of that, it's hard to look past and hope, or try to seek out what was actually "good" during all of it. That's what I've been trying to get to as this year carries on. Some of the good.

Thanksgiving was two days ago. As with every year, it's a time to spend with family, friends, and look back on all the blessings. This Thanksgiving, more than ever, has probably compelled us to look at what we're grateful for. I'll start with myself. Devoted readers, you can think about what has moved you toward a heart of gratitude as well. In fact, I encourage it.

This past year I was laid off due to COVID-19 ravaging the American economy, specifically for the travel and hospitality industries. I was laid off pretty early on, so I remained at home with our one-year-old daughter while my wife continued to go into work, her specific position necessitating it while almost everyone else at her office went to WFH. As you can imagine, I spent a lot of time with my daughter. A LOT. At times, exhausting, what with everything going on. I tried to remember, however, all the time I was spending with her was time I would never get back. It was a time, and still is, to build a foundation, a connection to my daughter.  I got to take her to the park during the summer and fall. I got to watch her grow into a little toddler. I learned, too, that she lives only for the moment. What a lesson to learn right now. She would be on the swing, smiling, maybe laughing, and that was it. She was in a kind of Zen bliss. I would still check my phone, or think (ha, who are we kidding - "worry") about other things. But she wouldn't. There was no past. There wasn't any future. Just that singular moment of pure, child-like joy. God bless her. She'll never realize it, but she helped me to stay grounded through this. Sure, I had my bouts of emotion and depression, but I don't think I would have gone through all this near as easily without her. 

Aside from her, there's family. I am truly grateful to our little family. I've spoken of my daughter, but my wife as well. She has struggled hard through this, and at times we were kind of suffering simultaneously. Money was tight and still is. We're trying to raise a toddler during a pandemic. Still, she works hard for us, and has spent a lot of time over the last several months to help me search for jobs and hunt down connections while I spend a lot of time taking care of our little girl. I think we've both been a rock to one another at different times, and our sanity has wavered to and fro, but I'm thankful to have a strong woman like her alongside me, even if sometimes she herself drives me to the edge of insanity. Comes with the territory of these strange times.

Then there's our respective families. Her parents live very close, and so have relieved me from caring for our daughter to either search for jobs, interview, get things done around the house, or just to give me a moment to sit and catch my breath. My parents, who live slightly further, have also made time to spend with our daughter, which offers a bit of a break. 

There's also been a lot of time to reflect, whether that be personal values, flaws that are now highlighted by a stressful and exhausting situation, or where my true friendships and relationships lie. Old friends have shown up to talk again and reform old bonds. Lots of good long talks with some of those people.

If I've learned anything this year, be grateful and don't complain. Or at least, complain less. I started this year tired and rather discontented, and quite honestly I don't really remember any reason why. Then COVID-19 happened, a situation that required what little was left of my being over the course of  8 months and counting. I wish I had valued 2019 and where my life was at a little more. Hindsight is 20/20 (haha - little joke there). There's been a lot of moaning and complaining, but I'm trying real hard to get to that place of consistent gratitude. Peace. That's another. Be at peace, at all times, because it can change for better or worse at any given moment. Find the peace in the moment, in the situation. "Embrace the chaos" is another phrase I've heard through this, yet that has a little bit more meaning and use than the others.

A scripture I've been thinking about through this year harbors these very revelations. Philippians 4:4-8:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace off God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.

Rejoice. Rejoice always. What a tall order. Sulking is easier, or at least seemingly easier. Turn on your streaming service of choice and mindlessly scroll through social media while sitting on the couch until all the noise of the world becomes a dull hum. That'll get us through it. That'll make it easier. I haven't come down from the mountain enlightened or anything, trust me. I've just been there and know what doesn't work (for me). Right now, I have a notion that having a mind of peace and gratitude will get me through. However, putting that into practice is a different beast to battle altogether. That part I'm still working out, and some days are worse than others. 

Hoping that everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I hope that you took time to realize the things you need to be grateful for, in spite of everything. And if not, you have the chance to do so tomorrow, and throughout the days to come. 

All the best.

The Last Jedi - Thoughts and Critiques

"No! No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned."
                                                                                                                 -Yoda

I will need to preface this post with a few things.

First, and I think this needs to go without saying but....THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS POST. If you DO NOT want the movie to be spoiled, then stop reading and go over to your Tumblr or Etsy tab now.

Second, in no way am I trying to reshape or devalue your opinion of this film. This is rather less of a review and more of me just working out what a Star Wars movie is (to me) and how I personally go forward from here.

Third, and lastly, I believe this also goes without saying but...I love "Star Wars". So much so that I can't stop thinking about the new movie, and I feel the need to get out some thoughts publicly. So bear with me, if you're up for it.

In a world of reboots, franchises, and a litany of sequels, I think looking at a film or reviewing a film can be less about critiquing at film as a film, or even a film in it's respective genre, and critiquing it more as "How well did it hold up to the rest of the films in the franchise?" rather than just critiquing it in the most pure sense. This is my problem.

As I previously stated, I love "Star Wars". I was born in a generation when the original movies had long since been released in theaters and video; long before the prequels and even the Special Editions of the original trilogy. I remember watching them for the first time as kid with my parents. I was probably about four or five but even then there was for me an allure to these films. They were strange, for sure. There was gold robot, a large dog beast, and everyone had these cool guns that shot lasers. I would run and jump around at my grandmother's with my orange laser pistol that made all those annoying little electronic sounds, pretending to be Luke Skywalker trying to escape the Death Star. As I grew older I rewatched the films and became obsessed. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know every backstory and every background character. I wanted to be Luke Skywalker. I wanted friends like Han, Chewie and Leia. I wanted to learn to be a Jedi by Yoda and Obi-Wan. I wanted to fight Darth Vader and save the Galaxy. This was a world that sucked me in, and I wanted to be a part of it.

Years go on. I grow up. Some mediocre prequels were released. I went to all of them, expecting to be blown away, but even as an adolescent, I was not impressed. They had cool fight scenes, and that was about it. The story didn't grab me as much and I didn't care for the characters. Still, I consumed Star Wars. I read some of the books and comics. I played the PC and console games.  These allowed me to live out childhood dreams. I could be a Jedi. I could fly an X-Wing or the Millennium Falcon. I could fight to save the galaxy from the empire with my friends.

Fast forward to December 2015. It had been a lengthy ten years since the last Star Wars movie was released in theaters. Time had passed. I grew up. I had moved from my home, I lived in a different country for time and I eventually got married. But my love for Star Wars was still glowing bright. I went with a couple of buddies on opening night, December 17th, 2015. I saw "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..." and then BAM! The fan fare hit, and there it was, "STAR WARS". My inner child jumped up and down inside me. Like Han and Chewie, I was home.

Did I enjoy "The Force Awakens"? Of course. I watched that movie with not only 3D glasses, but also the metaphoric "Rose Colored Glasses". But, I would see it again with my wife, and for whatever reason, I wasn't quite as captivated.

Another year goes by. A new "Star Wars" was released. This one had no characters we had met before. It was all new, and would bridge Episode III and IV. Yet, when I watched it, I was left wanting more. I didn't care about these "new" characters. They didn't interest me, and I was never sure as to why. Maybe...maybe I wanted to see my old friends again? Maybe I wanted to see Luke after they left me hanging at the end of "The Force Awakens".

Yet another year goes by. Another "Star Wars" comes out. But this is the big one. This is ..."THE LAST JEDI". So mysterious...kind of like "The Return of the Jedi". What did it mean? Who is the last  Jedi? Will someone die? Will someone turn?

My best friend, his girlfriend, her sister, and his brother hop into the car, ready to see the next installment after having just revisited "The Force Awakens" again. We get our tickets, walk to the back to our theater, (I take a preliminary photo of the movie poster to post on social media), we walk into the theater and take our seats...and prepare for the two and a half hour epic.

After it's all said and done, I walk out of the theater, wanting something more. Something...different? But it was something different, wasn't it? It was new "Star Wars", This wasn't like how it was before, right?. In some respects, yes. And at this point, I don't want to tear apart the film, because this wasn't a film I hated, or disliked. I just want to state, for the record, it was pretty good. I just...well...I don't know. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Let's start with what's good. First of all, and this goes for all the new "Star Wars", it looks great. The worlds look awesome, the battles, no matter if they're in air, on land, in space, etc. are very cool. The creature costumes and effects are also well done. It's like the old times, before everything was CGI all the time. Things look real, which also makes them look weirder, and I think that's a big part about "Star Wars". These places need to look foreign to you. Sure, there's people, but there's also all these weird creatures. It goes back to the classic Cantina scene in "A New Hope". You walk into this bar, but it isn't a normal bar. This bar is on another planet in another galaxy. There's all manner of creatures and they look like real creatures which, for me, takes me out of where I am and places me exactly where these characters are. Practical effects make me feel a part of the experience. Enough said.

I appreciated that they delved into the background of what happened to Luke and Ben (which I was expecting, but still appreciated. Still, left wanting more, which I'll get to). I think this movie also helped to develop Rey a little more as a character and how she's trying to work through learning her powers as well as who she is. Finn also get's a chance to develop a little more. He starts off wanting to run away and leave everyone else behind, like in the last film. In the end, he does get to a point where he's ready to go all in and sacrifice himself by flying straight in the giant laser battering ram, which Rose, a new character, stops him just before he hits, at the cost of her own life (actually, I can't remember if she died or just badly injured). Luke of course goes through a whole 180 in the film, and I'm guessing this was the central point of the film - a great Jedi and warrior, crushed by the fear and failure of his past, coming back around to assist the Resistance in need, with Gandalf-like timing.

With all that said, there are things I had problems with. I'm going to say it again: I love "Star Wars". I love "Star Wars" like I love "Final Fantasy". There are great "Final Fantasy games". There are not so great "Final Fantasy" games. There are some "Final Fantasy" games that people swear to be the best, yet I did not enjoy them (*ahem* FinalFantasyEight *cough*). But, I love "Final Fantasy" and get excited with each installment. I also love "Star Wars", which means I'm not just going to blindly say, "This is a great Star Wars movie!" I'm going to feel certain things and view it a little more harshly. Granted, we have emerged from the dark tide of the prequels, but that doesn't put any new "Star Wars" above reproach. There's probably a lot of emotion I have, and I carry forth a lot of what I stated up top into these movies.

To start, and this is question I have kept turning over in my mind since I saw it last night, What makes a "Star Wars" movie? What makes it good, what makes it enjoyable? I don't have a concrete answer to that. Maybe you do, and maybe this film checked off all those boxes. That's great. For me, there's a lot of points where this both felt like a "Star Wars" movie, but not at all at the same time. For one, I've noticed these movies rely heavily on two things: Explosions and silly humor. I know what you're thinking: "But Mike, you insolent fool, all the 'Star Wars' had explosions and humor!". Yes, but, there's....a lot more now. The original trilogy was ground breaking in regard to special effects. But, not everything was blowing up. I'm going to probably use "The Empire Strikes Back" as my golden standard here, which many of you will find unfair, but this is in many ways trying to be "Empire" (more on that later). In regard to explosions, you had the opening bombing sequence (which was awesome, don't get me wrong), the constant fire fight as they were trying to escape the First Order fleet, Laura Dern driving at light speed into the fleet, and then the large battle at the end. "Empire" had the opening battle for Hoth, the Millennium Falcon evading TIE fighters which crash in the asteroid field...and that's about it. Not much in the way of stuff just blowing up. Now it's about having bigger explosions, and having our heroes make it out just in time.  As for the humor, I like "Star Wars" humor. Scruffy looking nerf herder? Classic. But that was banter between friends. When they would talk to the villains, nothing was really silly or comical. Yet, at the start of "The Last Jedi" (TLJ), Po is bantering and goofing with General Hux, which kind of took me out of the situation. I understand Po is a guy who hasn't much to fear and makes light of a situation ("So, how does this work? Do you talk first or do I talk first?") but I wanted it to be serious, especially when five minutes later numerous people die in battle. And then there's Finn, a character who can be incredibly serious, or very silly, and when he is silly, it doesn't always seem like the appropriate moment. Going back to "Empire", I don't think a single joke is cracked from the time Han is frozen in carbonite to the end credits. It's all serious. "TLJ", however, feels to need to make a joke at any moment. I understand lightening the tension, but I also need things tense. Disney makes it a point to have jokes and wise-cracks in there films, so maybe this is a result of that. I think part of my problem is that I was anticipating a much darker film, and while it had some darkness to it, I still feel "Empire" is much darker.

As previously mentioned, this movie takes a lot from "Empire". Here's a list of things I noticed:
- A Resistance/Rebel ship running across the galaxy from Imperial/First Order fleet
- Young Jedi going to planet to train with Jedi hermit who is famous Jedi Master
- Young Jedi finds dark place and goes to have a vision. Learns more about Him/Herself and the power of the darkside.
- The gang gets double-crossed by gambling thief
- "Join me and we'll rule the galaxy" speech
- Large battle with Resistance/rebel fighters in trenches fighting giant robot walkers.
I read an article online called, "'The Last Jedi' Doesn't Care What You Think About 'Star Wars' - And That's What Makes It Great". In it, it clearly points out that this is trying to be a new thing. This isn't your Daddy's "Star Wars". Times have changed. I see the clear deconstruction of "Star Wars" within this movie, which I'm fine with. It even sort of touches on taking out the Jedi factor all together, just stopping it (which is an idea I really hope they explore in the next film or later installments). Yet, if taking "Star Wars" apart is the goal and completely reorienting what I grew up as a "Star Wars" move, then why also have a death grip on the originals, nearly ripping plots, lines, and scenes straight out of the originals? Maybe it will change after this one? But why have one foot out the door and one in? That's the vibe I got from this.

The last thing I'll say, is that I've really come to hate Kylo Ren. No, not in a sense that he's a really evil villain. No, he has become very irritating. A good villain should do one thing - make you hate their guts for who they are and what they do, but at the same time making you think, "But I understand why you are like this." One of my favorite shows is Breaking Bad. Clearly, there are some terrible people, but no one character is inherently bad, nor inherently good. In the case of Walter White, he starts as the guy you root for...all the way up until the end. When you reach season 6, you hate him. But, then you get to that final episode, and you start rooting for him again. He's a villain, he's lost himself and become so wrapped up in what he's doing he's no longer doing it for this family...but you get it. You saw what his life was before - hen-pecked by his wife, disrespected by his son, works as a humble school teacher and lost the opportunity to make millions with his former business partner, and then - bam- diagnosed with cancer. So he loses it. Tip toes to the edge until he can look over and fall in. You understand how he got there. You don't agree with it, but you understand why. Then there's Kylo Ren. I get it. He's mad. You can tell by watching him choke someone or bash another computer console with his helmet or lightsaber in every other scene. But...why? So, they explain. Luke saw the evil in him. Saw the raw power. So, he thought to kill him. But he doesn't do it. Luke stops. Yet Kylo wakes, sees the saber. Grabs his own to defend himself. And then what does he do? Goes to the dark side. That's it. He's had all he can stand. Life has been too rough. Time to take it up with Supreme Leader Snoke. I waited two years to have his past revealed, and that's it? Nothing else happened? No other terrible thing? I don't buy it, and it makes me hate that whiny character all the more, which is unfortunate, because I like Adam Driver as an actor.

In the end, this isn't "Empire". This isn't the original trilogy. And maybe I need to be okay with that. Have I just completely disowned the "Star Wars" franchise then? Absolutely not. I love "Star Wars". I'm going to keep seeing these movies. But I think it's a new generation, and I need to accept that. I will always have Episodes IV, V, and VI, pre-Special-Edition-ized of course, in my heart and memories. But it's time to pass on the baton, or the lightsaber, and look ahead to a new generation. There's a lot I'm hoping they will explore with later movies. They have some good ideas. I guess they're just not fleshed out to my liking. I'm set in my ways at this point. Maybe I should listen to Yoda: "You must unlearn what you have learned". Maybe I'll try. Or "do".

I've gone on for far too long. WAY longer than I intended. There's plenty of plot hole stuff I could gripe about, but I feel like I've made my point somewhere in there. I will say, one of the best moments in the film was when Mark Hamill kissed Carrie Fisher on the forehead. Even thinking about it now get's me a little emotional. The scene was Luke saying goodbye to Leia, but I also saw it as Mark saying goodbye to Carrie for the last time.

Thanks to all who made it through. This is probably my longest post, if not my longest post in a while. Leave a comment. Maybe I'll see it in six months.

May the Force be with you. Always.

What Happned...?

Not sure how else to start this one...so here goes.

I was looking back at an old post I made in April of 2012. At the time I was twenty-five years old, and after reading it again, all this time later, I think I had more wisdom then than I do now.

What happens to us? What happens to people? One day we have all this joy and optimism. We look at the world, our life, right in the eye, hard, unblinking, unflinching and we say something like, "You can't bring me down. Not today. Go on and try."

But, then something changes - snaps maybe. Breaks down.  We wake up one day, look at the world in the eye, and utter nothing. We look down, hoping that maybe it'll stop staring back. Stop staring us down, making us feel stupid. And while we stand there, cowering, we can't help but think, "What happened to you?"

Maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the only one who looks back and wonders where all that vigor went. Wonder why I can't just simply think, "Runnin' ain't that hard, man. It's just puttin' one foot in front of the other. No big deal." Where is that guy? Where is that optimism when I wake up on a Monday morning? Instead, I see a tired, chubby "man" in the mirror who instead says, "Hey, man. I don't like this as much as you do." It's gone. I'm thirty - a mere thirty years old - and I'm wondering where that optimism went. Only five years pass by, and I've thrown in the towel. Where did all that hope and inspiration come from? I would gladly pay any amount of money to have that again. An almost naive sense of purpose and determination. That guy - that guy from 2012 - he was headed places.

And I guess he did. I mean, he went to South Korea. Went on an adventure away from everything he loved and knew. But he came back, and that wonderful scamp became - well, the person who is typing this now.

I'm trying to find that again. I really am. And I'm not here to mope and complain, but I read that old post and all I could think was, "That's not me. I don't know who I am, but that just isn't me."

We live near Tower Grove Park in St. Louis. I've gone running there numerous times. My distance is increasing, but let me tell you, it is nothing like that other guy. I'm trying to find my purpose, too, but it's a real fight to have the optimism like that guy.

Anyway, I don't mean to be a downer. Nobody likes that. People like people who say crap like, "Push your limits, man. They are nothing but some illusion you set up." Yet, I think people like other people who are honest. Hopefully, though, I'm not being too honest.

Dress me in sackcloth and cover me in ashes. I will go about the streets weeping and mourning. We've lost an inspiration. But, it will be my intent to show him honor. I will honor that brave individual below by living my life the way he lived his. Perhaps, I can at the very least, aspire to be like him. Aspire to run 26.2 miles and go on adventures. Carry on his very spirit so he can continue to inspire us all.

That's it. That's all.

Peace.

Marriage: Year One.

It's been over a year so it's probably time to update.

Clearly, the biggest event that's happened in the last year was my wedding.  Our wedding.  You're supposed to say things like that, right?  Our this.  Our that.  It's not my life anymore.  It's OUR LIVES.  Our life together.  Something to that effect.

"Our life together" has been great.  I heard so much from "the wise" while walking the road to the altar.  Mostly what I heard is that the first year of marriage is difficult.  Now, I will not say that's a load of crap and completely untrue.  There were certainly some things that were tough.  There were a couple of really good fights. One lasted two days.  Another involved a lot of screaming and yelling in a car on the way back from a wedding, which was eventually resolved in a grocery store parking lot. And of course you have the small skirmishes, the annoyances that really get in there and cause a disturbance.  The kind of things that make one of you huff and puff and roll around and sigh in bed that night, until the other says "What's wrong?" and then the floodgates open.  Of course, it's better to get it all out then, so that you can wake in the morning with resolution, rather than mild anger.  Yet, with all that said, we've had a lot of fun.  We've laughed a lot, watched a lot of TV shows and movies, and made many meals together.  We're pretty much the same as far as cleanliness and housekeeping, so we've never had an open discussion about that.  I thought co-habitation with a woman would be difficult, but honestly it's better my experiences with male roommates.  Overall, I believe we've had a very successful first year of marriage.

So there's that.  I've also moved a couple times.  I moved once into what would be our first apartment together.  After seven months of dealing with the conniving  management company of that place, we moved into a much nicer apartment closer to the city.  Our landlord is a quiet and polite Eastern European gentlemen who drives a Mini Cooper and has a wife and kids.  He's been great, and when we have problems, he (or his brother) are quick to answer.

Abbie has a new job as a sales manager for a an event company.  She finally escaped the hotel industry in late September and started this job in early October.  They own several different restaurants in the same building and have quite a few event spaces.  They have an excellent bar in the basement that's in the style of prohibition era cellar.  A really cool place to get together, have a few drinks, and hangout. So far she is really loving her job.  She loves her co-workers, the owners of the business, and the work she's doing.

As for me, I'm still at the law firm.  I'm coming up on two years there and I'm amazed to no end that I've been there so long.  I wish nothing more than to arrive one morning to see the entire building burned to the ground.  Or at least, find another job. Something that gives me purpose.  Something that I could at least half-way enjoy going to each morning.  What that is, I have no idea.  Writing.  This. I like doing this.  Somebody out there has to be reading this and realizing it's not complete trash.  What do you want?  I'll do it.  I have passion for that, and I have passion to find a new line of work that doesn't involve mounds of tedious paperwork and emails.  Something outside of a collections law firm.  Something meaningful.  You're out there right?  Looking for me maybe?  No, I don't have the eight years of writing experience that you claim to want each time you post a job, but like I said, I have passion.  Trust me, it will definitely mean something.  It will mean a lot. Give me the chance, give me something like this, and I'll be your man.

Enough babble.

I hope you are all well out there.  Keep checking in.  You may never know when I will post something on here.

Toodles.

Have a Seat. There's....a Lot We Have to Discuss.

I'm not going to lie, I have kind of feared this moment for sometime now.  Feared what you ask? Writing publicly again.  Coming back to this blog which I have neglected for too long.  Trying to grab hold of that again.

Yeah, it's been a really long time.  I have had a bad record on here for not keeping this current.  Entire months would pass without a post. But years?! Goodness.  I'm shocked at myself.  Stunned and disappointed.  My deepest and sincerest apologies  for all those who actually liked to read this.  When I put it that way...I don't feel so bad.  I mean, seriously, how many of you read this?  Not too many.  And now you've forgotten all about this.

So, it has been nearly three years.  A lot has happened in that amount of time.  I do mean a lot.  Like, that's another thing I feared.  "If I were to write on my blog again, what would I say?  How would I sum up all that has happened?"  Let me tell you, with all that has happened, this is a very difficult and daunting task.  I suppose the best place to start would be that photograph down there - yes the one with the 25 year old boy all smug because he had just finished his first (and still only) marathon.

Well, after that I went to IHOP, like all good Americans.  It was Phil (pictured to my right [or left, depending on how you look at it] in the photo), Stephanie maybe, some other people (Craig? Was he there? Names don't matter to you guys, what am I worried about?)....and Abbie Lohmann (that name is significant, so pay attention).

Abbie Lohmann.  Now, to explain this, we must rewind a bit.  I've known Abbie long before I ever decided to run a marathon.  I knew her parents, was friends with her younger brother.  But Abbie and I...we were friends in the civil sense.  Sure, we said, "Hello", "How are you?" things of that nature.  Beyond that...we were never really "friends".  She thought I was a big, awkward loser.  For the most part.

There is a period of me liking her somewhat off and on, and when I realized that I like her, she liked someone else.  Someone lean, attractive, athletic, not awkward etc. etc.  You know...like superman or something. The Knight in Shining Armor. The Dreamboat. Matthew McConaughey. Cliche cliche cliche....

So, about the time this photograph was taken, Abbie had finally come around.  Something snapped in her strange female brain, and she really hasn't snapped back since.  She saw change in me.  Saw that I was becoming more ambitious.  Wearing less comic book shirts and wearing things that, you know, typical people wear.  Things without graphics on them.  But I had no idea this was happening.  I, Mike Lee, was trying to achieve a level of highest male zen.  I was my own man, I did not need any woman to come around and interrupt that.  They all just decide to go their own way any way.  Too difficult to figure out with women whether or not they were in it for the long haul.  I decided, well before this photo, that I just did not have time for that.  Time to figure out how they felt, if the liking and the relationship was going to be a serious thing.  I had ambitions! Things to do, and little, oh so little, time to do them in.

At least that's what I told myself.  Now, another nice anecdote to wedge in here is that, on her 23rd birthday, in the year of our Lord 2011, at the top floor of the Baily's Chocolate Bar, we had shaken hands with the sincere promise from both sides that we would never marry one another.  I had said something, went on a "I'm my own man" speech (I had at this point had a whiskey or two), and generated a general disgust from Abbie.  I believe her exact words were, "I will never marry you." I said, with the utmost emphasis and diligence, "Deal".  And so we shook on it.

Now, let's come back to spring of 2012.  She liked me.  I was not aware. Until she started texting me.  A lot.  And responding to each of my texts rather quickly.  This was uncharacteristic.  But, I had confused signals from her before, so I shrug it off.  It was until May of that year her cousin, during a talk on a drive from an art fair in Illinois, dropped a major hint.  From then on I noticed Abbie's flirtatiousness more.  I realized, that yeah, I do kinda like her.

We liked each other.  Talked a lot that summer.  This was also the summer I had decided to do something I have talked about on here (I dunno, it's been so long since I've read any of these posts).  I was going to finally go to South Korea and teach English.  A friend of mine, when I had told him I had dreamed of doing this, said he actually had an old college friend who now lived and worked in Seoul, South Korea.  Our church has many other churches globally, and this friend was going to the one in Seoul.  He knew some other foreigners who were doing exactly what I wanted to do.  My friend spurred me to follow this dream, and said he would put me in touch with his friend in South Korea.  Now, my mind was set to follow through with that.

Now.  The dilemma.  I liked a girl.  I was anticipating going overseas for a full year.  In my mind, I had to pick one.  Both could not work.  So, I thought about it a lot.  A LOT.  And decided, I would forgo the relationship and follow my dream.

I talked to Abbie's brother.  He said that maybe they could both work.  A year is just a year, right?  If you never try, you'll never know.  He advised me to talk to her, lay it out there, and see what she comes back with.  So I did.

One night in August, we were texting.  She knew something was off.  She asked why.  I said I was thinking a lot lately.  She asked what about.  I knew then that I had to call her, tell her how I felt.  Now, at this point, she knew my intentions of going overseas to teach.  She thought it was great and really wanted me to do it.  But now I had to tell her that I liked her, which I had not done yet.  I also had to talk about the future, long distance and all that.  I was shaking.  I didn't call immediately.  But I did.  And one of the most awkward phone conversations in history ensued.

"Hey Abbie."

"Hey Mike."

"Soooo....what do you think about me going to Korea for a year?"

Ugh.  Seriously, Mike?  What was your intent?  I imagine that with that question I was trying to draw out from her the confession that she liked me.  But she held her poker hand close.

"I think it's great.  I think that you should go after it.  It's one of your dreams.  If you never do it, you'll regret it."

Yeah.  Yeah, I probably would.  So knowing that the next logical step was to tell her, I went ahead and explained how I felt about her.  She reciprocated. I don't remember much from the conversation after that.  But the following night we talked for a while on her front step of where she was living at the time.  We talked about a lot of things.  The past.  The present.  Eventually we got to the future.  "It's just a year.  We can make it work."  I took that as a green light.  I wanted to go to Korea, but I also wanted to be with her.  But...maybe it could work.

A few weeks later, we went on a nice date with another couple.  Under the St. Louis Arch that evening, much to her surprise, I asked her to be my girlfriend (surprise because I had been taking my sweet time with everything up until that point, so she no longer anticipated me asking to happen that soon).  There's a lot more to that date, and it's kind of funny, but that's a whole other blog post.

During the next five or six months we dated.  It was great.  We had a couple bumps, but nothing serious.  I was going through the long, long, long process of getting ready to go to Korea (Also, a whole other blog post).  It was like a side quest in a video game.

In late February of 2013, I was all ready to go.  I had my visa, and had been accepted to a school where I would be teaching kindergarteners and elementary students for an entire year.  The school had set up my flight. I was supposed to leave on the 22nd of February, but we had a bad snowstorm on the 21st, so my flight was cancelled and I had to rebook.  Which, the lady gave me a very long, and round about flight itinerary. Needless to say, instead of having a pretty quick, straight shot from St. Louis to Chicago, Chicago to Seoul, in the course of a day and a half, my entire weekend was spent with delays and mishaps.  Another story (see why this is so difficult?)  So I left Friday evening from St. Louis, got to Incheon Airport in Seoul on Monday night.  Long time traveling.

I got there. I felt a lot like Samwise. "If I take one more step, I'll be the farthest from home that I've ever been."  It was a bit daunting, being in Seoul South Korea, one of the biggest cities in the world and most definitely the biggest I've ever been too.  I met some really cool people.  Over the course of a year, I got to do a lot of fun stuff, teach some fun and extraordinary kids, and a visit to Japan was wedged in there (That....THAT was the dream.  Nothing like sushi in Kyoto, Japan).  I would love to go into some of the stories.  I had meant to blog about my adventures in Korea, and greatly regret that I did not do so.  Lot's of craziness.  But...perhaps another time.

During this time, Abbie and I continued to date.  We had weekly Skype dates and talked regularly through apps like Couple and Kakao Talk.  There was also a week in the summer when Abbie and one of my good friends (the one from the marathon photo) came to visit.  It was...strained, to say the least.  That was one of the most difficult things I had ever done.  But we made it.  We got into a fair share of fights, disappointments, but we didn't give up.  Then I came back, and that actually presented a new set of challenges which took some time to overcome.

In July of 2014, Abbie and I went to go visit my friend Dave and his wife, Kathryn in Portland.  I had always wanted to experience downtown Portland.  I had visited Oregon before when Dave and Kathryn were married in 2010.  Their wedding was held rather far away from Portland.  This time, this would be the time to visit Portland.  Abbie stayed with her aunt and uncle, while I stayed with Dave and Kathryn.  We spent a few days with Abbie's aunt and uncle.  We spent one day at the Oregon Brewfest (There's a beer called the "Megadank".  If anyone can find this for me and send it, I would be extremely appreciative.  It had so much hops.  The IBU was literally off the charts, according to the little pamphlet.  And I do love a really hoppy beer [Oregon is a magical land of hops]).  We also spent a day driving up the Oregon cost, stopping at little towns, lunching at a one of the Rogue Beer restaurants.  There was a beach we stopped at, which was gorgeous.  This is were "Haystack" rock is.  Honestly, the name of the beach eludes me at the moment, which I should know due to what happens later.


See, a week before we left for Portland, I bought Abbie's engagement/wedding ring.  I had numerous ideas of how I would propose (A hot air balloon was one).  Many of which were thrown out due to logistical things. Yet, I probably should've went with one of those original ideas.  But I'm Mike Lee, so I felt confident to do this. And so...

That beach with Haystack rock? Yeah, we went back.  Dave took us there.  The sun was low in the sky.  Abbie and I walked out to the edge of the water (not without some grumpiness and apprehension on her part.  She just wanted to sit down and relax on her beach towel).  I awkwardly (this is a common thing, for sure) said something "romantic" (arguably) and got down on one knee, begging the question we were certain of the answer.  So on July 28th, 2014 I was engaged.  The woman who shook my hand, vowed never to marry me, is now going to have to make a very different vow.  Course, I guess the same is true for myself.

After that, wedding planning happened.  We're just about done with that.  The big day is coming up: May 9th 2015. 

Now, I work at a law firm as an administrative assistant.  I've been living with Phil for the last year, but will be moving to Abbie and I's future residence soon (Also, another story.  Seriously, if only I had kept up with this dumb blog I wouldn't have to play catch up).

In the words of the Grateful Dead, "What a long, strange trip it's been..."  I'm hoping (very much so) that there are more adventures to come.  Life and has been...well, quiet since I've come back.  I say that in a somewhat relative manner.  No big adventures.  And running? Oh man, forget that.  I've tried so many times since I've been back.  I ran some in Korea, but ever since I came back here...ugh, I can hardly go a mile without getting winded.  A MILE! And I happily ran 26.2!  For me, it wasn't even a workout unless I did five miles.  Those days...well I hope they are not dead.  I was less fat, that's for sure.

Well, I hope you feel caught up.  I'm sorry that not a lot of details were spilled, but seriously, it's been three years.  You a get a nutshell synopsis, until I decide to write about all those other things I teased you about in this post.

Hopefully I will return.  I'll try to not make it so long next time.

**TEN YEARS LATER***

"Hey guys I'm back.  Finally.  So. Where to start? I have children now.  That's crazy."

A World Without Ends

I have great news!  I'm alive!

Final time for my marathon run: 4:29:04.  I was extremely excited to know I made it under four and a half hours.  The whole time I was running that's what I was thinking: I really want to get under four and half.

All in all, great experience.  I was REALLY starting to feel it around mile 24, but by then you're all in.  Nothing left to do but move forward and hope that your limp body doesn't fall to the pavement before you cross the finish line.  And if it does, hope that its at a point where the momentum of your tumbling carries you over the line.  What a great photo finish that would be.

Most would say that I'm a glutton for punishment, but I truly enjoyed myself, and not just because I accomplished a life goal.  The support of friends and family I had backing me, that ridiculous poster my friend Phil made for the event, and all the other inspiring/ridiculous posters people had made for runners all made the experience unforgettable.  A few of my favorite signs/posters:

"Worst parade ever."

"There will come a day when you can no longer do this.  Today is not that day."

"Because 26.3 miles would just be CRAZY."

"I'm lazy."

And a few others which I've forgotten in the foggy haze of my post adrenal mind.  But the one in the photo above was the one I was looking for, because it meant, "Hey, there's some blue Gatorade and a Cliff bar up ahead."

The question is, "Now what?"  I'm done.  Months of training, treating my body as well as I could, and following through with my mad dream to the end has paid off.  The race is over.  Mom suggested Boston Marathon.  The qualifying time is three hours and ten minutes.  I have to beat my time by an hour and nineteen minutes.  I don't think that'll be happening anytime soon.

I will admit, this has given me more of a vigor for life,  not wanting to be complacent but to push the limits as far as they can go, no matter what I do.  Two years ago, had you told me I was to finish a marathon, I would've laughed.  Or maybe I would've have believed you, yet still been shocked.  Until a couple years ago, a little over two miles on the tredmill was all I could do before I became winded.  That was my limit, until I created new limits.   So, a limit isn't really a limit at all in some circumstances.  A limit tells you what you can do right now.  But it stands there, waiting for you to push past it, and when you do it has to catch up in order to stop you again.  And again.  And again.

So seriously, not trying to be a motivational poster in the 90's, but you really can do whatever you want.  You simply have to be willing to work.  You can't expect it to just happen.  It took a year and a half to go from two miles to 26.2 miles.  It was tough.  There were bad days that involved the walk of shame to finish.  Then there were days where I felt like I could run through brick walls and keep going.  There is no end.  You make your own ends.

Most things are mental anyway.  We think it's impossible.  Running a marathon sounds hard, I agree.  Truly, its one of the easiest things.  You put one foot in front of the other.  That's it.  You don't have to do anything else.  You don't have to play an intricate line on the piano.  You don't have to solve a difficult physics equation.  You don't have to perform brain surgeory.  You just have to put one foot in front of the other.  Pain, discomfort, that's all mental.  You can over come that, unless your leg actually snaps in two.  But if you keep running, I'd really really respect you.  That's hardcore.

In other news, my mother tells me my Aunt Pegge has sent me a typewriter owned by my great-grandfather, Silas Clark.  Really excited about that.  So, for any of your who legitamately planned to send me a typewriter and looked through all the local antique malls, I'm grateful but the need is no longer present.  You can go back about your business.  I'll ask for something later though.

That's all I have.  Glad we had this little pep talk.  Take care.  Push those limits.

Peace.

Updates. Updates for Everyone.

In the immortal words of the Dragoon soldiers from Starcraft: "I have returned".

Wow, it doesn't seem like that long, but it has been over three months.  Three months.  That's one third of a baby, if you catch my drift.

I'd apologize, but we all expect it now.  It's like the tides.

Honestly, not very much has happened.  I've ran many miles these last three months.  I haven't logged the miles I've covered over the course of all this training, but there was a week near the end of March in which I did about 65 miles total.  So, my feet have slammed into the ground many times in an effort to propel the rest of the body great lengths.  Let's not forget legs either.  Thanks guys.

The race is tomorrow, April 15th, 2012 at 7am.  I can't tell you how excited I am to do it, which is why I also don't want it to happen tomorrow.  After all this hype, building myself up to accomplish this one dream, it'll all be over.  What then?  What's after this?  I feel this urge to continue to push the limits.  I've been tested this far; let see just how much more I can do.  But we'll consider this further at another time.  First, the marathon.

Our office moved.  I no longer have to combat downtown traffic and travel on foot a half mile from parking lot to office and then back again.  As a matter of fact, our new office is located on Eden Theological Seminary campus, which is directly across from Webster University in (you guessed it) Webster Groves.  I sometimes feel like I'm circling around my own life.  Around and around.

It's a nice place.  The commute is easier, and I don't have to pay for parking.  The new office is much smaller, which makes more sense since there's so few of us to begin with.  Other than that, work is work.  I do it a couple times a week and that's about it.  I did get to train a couple of our staff on this online database, Biblio.  That made me feel a little significant.

That's it.  Seriously.  My muse hopped a train out of town, so all I have for you is the bare bones.  No interesting anecdotes.

But come back sometime.  I might have more to share three months from now.

Peace.