And Who's That, Dead In A Corner?

The first post for May and we're more than half way through it. Okay, I keep lying to what devoted readers are left, promising that I will devote more time to the blog. No, it's a lie and a sham. Similar to my own life. I have nothing to write about. Creativity has been dead in a corner for the last two months, chained to a wall, with a horrific expression now solidified forever on his face thanks to rigor mortis. Flies buzz about his head as his shrivled corpse sits in his excrement. A sad sight.

And that's the truth. Whatever funny, witty things you want to come from me won't anymore. That's it. I just want to watch Deadliest Warrior until my eyes go from a nice moist, squishy ball form to a dried out, pruney, shrunken, depressed and defeated shapeless form. Not unlike my own soul.

No. That's not (entirely) true.

Look, if you come here a lot expecting something, then don't. I'll update when I want. I have a dead creativity in the corner. Show some respect.

In other news, although I said that humanity has really outdone itself with the cornbread crackers, it also showed me that we probably reached the end of the vine with our creative fruits (end of the line...end of the vine...get it? Nevermind. Forget it. There's no pleasing you.) I spent some time with my eyes focused on the TV a couple days ago. I don't remember what I was watching, something of absolutely no consequence, but during the commercials there was a preview. For a little summer film. For the kids of course, but that doesn't excuse anybody. See, this film was called, "Marmaduke". Now, you may remember the comic strip that is still, to my knowledge, syndicated in the paper. It featured a giant great Dane the size of a pony. The dog was way too big for it's own good, thus, antics ensue. Despite the emense animal featured as the central character, the comic was very small and typically only took one panel, almost in the same likeness as Family Circus. Except, Family Circus won't ever be turned into a full length feature film. Am I right Hollywood?

"We can't make any promises. We have a knack for taking all of your childhood dreams and destroying them on the silver screen in order to make a buck."

That's right. Well please don't make Family Circus into a movie, otherwise I may consider moving to India. If there's one thing I hate, it's Family Circus the strip. If there's another thing I hate, it's the idea I formulated in my head of the possibility of a full length Family Circus film. And one day, the third thing I'll hate is the fact that they really went through with it and made Family Circus into a full length feature film. Hopefully thereafter, the 2012 apocalypse will occur.

Anyway, I'm watching this preview. The movie is based somewhat on the strip, I guess. There's probably only so much story in the strip. Not enough to go on for an hour and a half. Unless you want an hour and a half of one liners. So they make this half real, half CGI talking dog voiced by Owen Wilson. There's kids. He goes to the park. He walks the little girl. He surfs. Just like any other great Dane. Oh, and George Lopez voices the cat. For good measure. Because George Lopez has been in many of cinema's great artistic achievements, such as "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" and "Valentine's Day".

So, given, after the preview my eyes bled, and I had horrible flashbacks of when I first saw the "Larry The Cable Guy Movie" preview.

Larry might be worse. Kids want to see talking dogs. Kids don't know better. As kids, we really didn't understand just how bad Batman and Robin featuring Arnold as Mr. Freeze was. So fine, kids can go see that movie, laugh at George Lopez, and hopefully reach the same truth as we did many years later.

Larry the Cable Guy is inexcusable. Kids don't really go see that. Adults do. They pay nine dollars for "Get 'r Done!"

Excuse me, while I now weep for humanity.

More to come. Stay tuned.