"Are You Not Much More Valuable Than They? Who Of You By Worrying Can Add A Single Hour To His Life?"

"'Dare not choose in your minds the work you would like to do when you leave the Home of Students. You shall do that which the Council of Vocations shall prescribe for you. For the Council of Vocations knows in its great wisdom where you are needed by your brother men, better than you can know it in your unworthy little minds. And if you are not needed by your brother men, there is no reason for you to burden the earth with your bodies.'"

"...for a finger of the hand of the oldest rose, pointed to us, and fell down again. This was the only thing which moved, for the lips of the oldest did not move as they said: 'Street Sweeper'" - Both quotes taken from Ayn Rand's Anthem

Sometime ago (I make it sound like 15 years ago. It was actually more like 2 or 3 years ago.) I played out a scenario in my head. This scenario consisted of me walking through a park with a paved path and trees all about. I visioned myself alone, and this park was basically Arnold City Park (If any of you know what that is, it may help to envision the scenario, but I believe only Dave really knows what I'm talking about because him and I spent many hours fighting the dead and rotting trees in that park. Yes, we have big imaginations and a lot of time on our hands. Which is basically the definition, in my finite world, of a child). So, I'm walking for a while, and suddenly a man walks out from the trees. He walks towards me as if he has something to say to me. Something important. Something life changing. I know this, so I wait and allow him, without any sort of fear or apprehension, to approach me. He is in a robe and has long nappy hair with a scraggly beard. Not to be confused with Jesus in any way. I see him as more of a guru, or a boddhisatva. He finally reaches me, puts both hands on my shoulders, looks me dead in the eye and says, "You're supposed to be an accountant". Immediately after saying this, he turns around and starts walking back into the woods, never to be seen again.

This isn't the only way this scenario plays out in my head. Sometimes he tells me more such as, "You're supposed to marry Sarah Tomlin. You meet together in spring. She's wearing a pretty, white dress. She has brown wavy hair. You two date for a year and half, get engaged, marry in the fall, and move to Colorado. You have two kids. You name them Gabrielle and Monica"...and so on.

Yet, of course, a wise man isn't going to approach me and explain my path. This is completely irrational. And somewhat creepy. I don't think I would be very calm if a man of this description, or any description for that matter, came up to me from out of the woods and put his hands on my shoulders. In real life, this guy just might move his hands to my throat and kill me because he's actually escaped from a mental ward, but all that is far beside the point.

The actual point in all of this is that, I know my whole life is an adventure. Whoo hoo. Yip Yip. I play it out, in real time, and see fate and the future unfold. It's supposed to be exciting. But, unfortunately, I have no foresight. I'm a blind man stumbling in a dark antique store. And I'm obliterating all the fine china. And the vintage action figures.

I hate not knowing what I'm doing right now. I don't know how I'm supposed to figure it out. I don't know what is going to make me happy. Instead, I'm running into these crappy jobs, and the job market and society in general and my own stupid idiotic choices that have brought me to this point make me want to pull my hair out. Or shave my head. Wait...I already did that. Apparently madness isn't too far off...

So, I don't really like to be told what to do, but right now, in this very moment, I wouldn't mind an old man pointing a boney, crooked finger at me and saying, "Street Sweeper" or "Hot Dog Vendor" or "Yoga Instructor". Really, just tell me what I'm supposed to be doing. Who am I, what is my purpose if I have one, and just give me, if nothing else, a glimpse of the potential future, an idea of where I'm headed if anywhere.

I promise though, the next post will not pertain to jobs or my quarter life crisis. I'll get something really riveting and relateable.

Until then...