What Happned...?

Not sure how else to start this one...so here goes.

I was looking back at an old post I made in April of 2012. At the time I was twenty-five years old, and after reading it again, all this time later, I think I had more wisdom then than I do now.

What happens to us? What happens to people? One day we have all this joy and optimism. We look at the world, our life, right in the eye, hard, unblinking, unflinching and we say something like, "You can't bring me down. Not today. Go on and try."

But, then something changes - snaps maybe. Breaks down.  We wake up one day, look at the world in the eye, and utter nothing. We look down, hoping that maybe it'll stop staring back. Stop staring us down, making us feel stupid. And while we stand there, cowering, we can't help but think, "What happened to you?"

Maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the only one who looks back and wonders where all that vigor went. Wonder why I can't just simply think, "Runnin' ain't that hard, man. It's just puttin' one foot in front of the other. No big deal." Where is that guy? Where is that optimism when I wake up on a Monday morning? Instead, I see a tired, chubby "man" in the mirror who instead says, "Hey, man. I don't like this as much as you do." It's gone. I'm thirty - a mere thirty years old - and I'm wondering where that optimism went. Only five years pass by, and I've thrown in the towel. Where did all that hope and inspiration come from? I would gladly pay any amount of money to have that again. An almost naive sense of purpose and determination. That guy - that guy from 2012 - he was headed places.

And I guess he did. I mean, he went to South Korea. Went on an adventure away from everything he loved and knew. But he came back, and that wonderful scamp became - well, the person who is typing this now.

I'm trying to find that again. I really am. And I'm not here to mope and complain, but I read that old post and all I could think was, "That's not me. I don't know who I am, but that just isn't me."

We live near Tower Grove Park in St. Louis. I've gone running there numerous times. My distance is increasing, but let me tell you, it is nothing like that other guy. I'm trying to find my purpose, too, but it's a real fight to have the optimism like that guy.

Anyway, I don't mean to be a downer. Nobody likes that. People like people who say crap like, "Push your limits, man. They are nothing but some illusion you set up." Yet, I think people like other people who are honest. Hopefully, though, I'm not being too honest.

Dress me in sackcloth and cover me in ashes. I will go about the streets weeping and mourning. We've lost an inspiration. But, it will be my intent to show him honor. I will honor that brave individual below by living my life the way he lived his. Perhaps, I can at the very least, aspire to be like him. Aspire to run 26.2 miles and go on adventures. Carry on his very spirit so he can continue to inspire us all.

That's it. That's all.

Peace.